I had all of the classic indicators, I used a gender neutral shorted form of my name and got upset when people called me my full name, I hated wearing feminine clothing and makeup, I loved playing sports, and overall I prefered more masculine hobbies and activities. Even though these, in and of themselves didn't make me a guy, they're clever foreshadowing.
In middle school, I met the first person my age who was queer. One of my classmates was bisexual, and we became pretty close friends- she was the one who made me realize that liking girls was okay! Great even! She also encouraged me to cut my hair short, though this wasn't for gender reasons, I just hated having long hair.
I remember being in the car with my mom, after insisting I wanted to cut my hair short and trying to get her to take me to the hairdresser. She looked at me and said, "do you want to cut your hair... because you're a lesbian?" and me, straight ally of the century lectured her that that idea was offensive, and that just because someone has short hair doesn't mean they're a lesbian, and that I wanted to cut my hair because brushing it in the morning was a hasstle. She nodded, paused, and said "... do you want to cut your hair... because you feel like a boy?" I responded to this with outrage as well. She doesn't remember this interaction, but it turns out that she was actually right, in that order.
This is what I like to lovingly call my lesbian era. If I'm being honest, I kinda miss being a lesbian. Lesbians are genuinely so cool and great, and I look back on this pretty fondly. Just to get something straight- for me, I do believe that at this time I was a lesbian, when I was a child, I was a girl. I wasn't always a bisexual guy- I had to work to get there, and I don't want to do that work or past versions of me a disservice by pretending that was the case.
In highschool, I got a lot of queer friends, and met a few non binary people for the first time, though it didn't really click in my head that they were trans and I could be as well. I also got into my first relationship, with a nonbinary lesbian I met over the summer who lived in another city. We dated for a couple of years, and I still really like them, even though our relationship didn't end well (we do still talk and hang out sometimes though). They were the one to really help me along in realizing I was nonbinary, which later led me to realizing I was a trans guy.
Here's a fun fact, the first time I smoked weed was when I had my gender revelation. I'm not kidding- it was me, my then gf, and one of their freinds, and we got high and ran around the neighborhood and just, talked. I remember telling them I didn't feel comfortable being a girl, and that no matter what I was called, it felt wrong. We had a proper in depth discussion about it the next day, and I picked a new name. I actually came out to their family before I came out to mine, but this was because at the time my relationship with my parents was kinda rocky (it's great now though, I love them).
Even though my ex was really helpful with helping me realize my gender, I do think I got stunted a bit- see, we were both lesbians. Lesbians, famously, don't like men, and even though I was having thoughts of maybe being a guy, I would dismiss them because it would mean I wouldn't be able to be with my ex. Due to unrelated circumstances, we had a very messy breakup 4 months later.
We're nearing the end of the discovery portion of this ride- this is where I met my current girlfriend, and where I started to take transitioning a lot more seriously. After I was dumped, a month later I went out on a date with this trans girl I'd become close friends with. It went really well, and we've been together for nearly 5 years now. Being with her opened up some new possibilities for me though- namely that she's bisexual, so it didn't actually matter if I was a guy. Around this time is when I also started using he/him pronouns along with they/them, something I still do to this day.
The change in environment really helped as well. Being in a space with less people, that was queerer, more accepting, and just generally really chill and relaxing gave me a lot of leeway to start exploring how I wanted to present. Going to a uniformed school messed with my fashion sense though, and so most of the photos of me at that time are in one sweater and one pair of jeans. I really wish someone would've just grabbed me by the shoulders and yelled "you need a second pair of jeans! You can't wear the same outfit every day like you're a cartoon character!" But alas, I had to figure this out on my own.
I'm really greatful for my time at Inglenook, and meeting my girlfriend was hands down one of the best things to ever happen to me. My previous school was a miserable gauntlet, with the only positive being my friends, but Inglenook really gave me a chance to start over and find who I am, and I'm glad I was able to do so.
This is it.
Okay, not exactly. Firstly I tried and failed miserably at art school. The only upside was my roommate was also a trans guy, which was cool.
The pandemic was a bit of a weird time in my life (revolutionary take, I know). I was super burnt out from failing at art school, and didn't make any art for like a year. I was also pretty isolated, as everyone was, and I felt really aimless. On the other hand though, July of 2020 is when I started Testosterone.
I was pretty lucky when it came to getting access to hormones, I had a really great doctor that was well versed in trans issues, and was actually able to perscribe them to me without sending me to an endocrinologist first. I took my first T shot on July 16th of 2020, and have been injecting it ever since. T is pretty great, I got some facial hair (though still no full beard), I got super greasy, I was hungry and angry all the time, and I gained weight. This was great. The mood swings were pretty annoying to deal with, but a lot better than when I went through puberty the first time. My skin got tougher and my silhouette shifted to being a more masculine frame. My voice deepened a lot, so now instead of sounding like a gay 9 year old boy, I now sound like a gay 16 year old boy. I was never super insecure about my body, dysphoria notwithstanding, but now I felt truely great about myself. I felt hot, I felt great, and I felt like a guy. And super sweaty. I could take or leave that part.
Before I got top surgery, I'd never had surgery before, for anything at all- and for a first experience, it was pretty great honestly. In case you're curious about the process, I will go over it with you now.
First, I tell my doctor I want top surgery, and we book an appointment to go over the informed consent. We have this appointment, we talk about the risks, and he gives me the go ahead, so I start researching plastic surgery clinics that do top surgery, and he sends a letter to the government asking them to cover the costs (heathcare is free here, but since this could be considered cosmetic, the government needs to approve it as medical to cover the costs).
We get approval from the government, I pick a clinic, and send them an email. They ask me for pictures of my boobs (I can't go in person, still the pandemic), and we have a phone appointment where we go over the informed consent process once again. I tell the doctor I'm sure, and she says they'll send me an email by the end of July. Mid August I reach out and say I want top surgery please, and we book a date- January 7th, and before then I'll have a consultation with one of the nurses.
End of December we get everything ready, including the pain meds, I have the consultation with the nurse and we go over the informed consent process (are you noticing a pattern?). January 3rd, the Ontario government puts a stop to all elective surgeries, and I get a call from the secretary saying that she's going to have to cancel the surgery, but they can reschedule it. For the next day. That night my mom and I scramble to make preparations, and the next morning we drive out to Mississauga to the clinic.
I meet the nurses, who go over the informed consent process, and the anesthesiologist, who also goes over the informed consent process. I meet the surgeon, who was very nice, and he draws all over my boobs in sharpie, showing where he's going to make the incisions. Finally, I'm wheeled into the operating room. In order to make sure my chest is flat, they have a special table they strap me down to, arms outstretched, not unlike being crucified. I wake up a few hours later and my boobs are gone. Yay!
If you weren't counting, that's 5 rounds of informed consent, and about a year of waiting. Honestly, I get why they had to do so many rounds, since it is a pretty big decision that is irriversible, but laying it all out like this makes it seem a bit excessive. The wait time wasn't too bad either, and it would've happened faster if the government could decide on whether or not they wanted elective surgeries to happen. Frankly, I find that to be a bit silly,since a lot of the clinics are private (like the one I went to) and only do stuff relating to plastic surgery anyways.
I'm really happy with the results though, the surgeon did a really great job. My scars are pretty long, going along my sides and nearly to my back, but I think that that's pretty cool. My chest looks great, and the joy I felt, being able to go swimming, topless, in public, was genuinely unmatched. Both literally and figuratively, a massive weight had been lifted off my chest.
I mean, not really. I won't ever be "done" with gender, that's not really how this works. I'm still taking testosterone, and will for the rest of my life. Even though I'm a few years in at this point, I'm still seeing changes happen, which is pretty great.
As for other medical proceedures, probably not. I'm not super interested in bottom surgery since I don't have a ton of bottom dysphoria, and there just aren't that many proceedures or medical steps I'd have to take further. I'm always changing and becoming more than I was, and I'll continue to do so. Honestly, the most I want to do from here on out is get more tattoos and piercings, because they're awesome and look cool, and hope that testosterone keeps working its magic on me.
If you read this far, thank you. I really just wanted the space to lay everything out and get it all together, and I hope that if you're trans or if you think you might be trans, this is something that could help you with that process. Being trans is so important to me, and I love being trans a lot. It's a core part of who I am as a person, and I won't be going anywhere anytime soon.